Confession of an angry tired Yogi.

I went to hot yoga today after a hiatus of practice.

Running out of the office to barely reached the studio door in time; 
pushing my way in like a bull in a china store.

My restless and fearful energy revved up in a low rage.

I fought my way through the beginning of an intense practice and pushed my body. 

My body fought back. And then I began to judge the class.

My mind was so busy racing it wasn’t listening.
I could swear it wasn't even breathing.

Then the yogi stopped and said:

‘YOU are responsible for what happens on your mat today- no one else”

This hit a chord deep - I had a hard time with that suggestion.
The words came out so firm, and almost as harsh as my presence in that room. 

Until

Spirit said: adjust your practice. This is YOUR practice.
I had permission to do what the mat called me to do.
And the hour became about balancing the weight of my outer world with the light of my soul's longing. 

My body and mind are always running a race – under nourished, pressed for time, tired.

But life does not work for me in stillness. Like riding a bike, I would fall down if I stopped pedaling.  

What I learned today was that if I cannot be still, I have to find my balance and my flow.

At my pace, strong steady, a reaction-less pace.

I am stronger in my own breath. Where it takes me in the flow of the pose. Into my own stance.

Today, I learned that I have to take better care and control and honor my practice.

Learning also, to trust my heart to yield, allow the body to teach and know the bones and muscles are strong enough to hold me in the very place where the breath takes me.

I don’t always have to react to the Yogi, or the external demands of life.

I can honor my body & mind. I will move in my own time and space and still share the practice.

I will go back to class.