Confession of an angry tired Yogi.

I went to hot yoga today after a hiatus of practice.

Running out of the office to barely reached the studio door in time; 
pushing my way in like a bull in a china store.

My restless and fearful energy revved up in a low rage.

I fought my way through the beginning of an intense practice and pushed my body. 

My body fought back. And then I began to judge the class.

My mind was so busy racing it wasn’t listening.
I could swear it wasn't even breathing.

Then the yogi stopped and said:

‘YOU are responsible for what happens on your mat today- no one else”

This hit a chord deep - I had a hard time with that suggestion.
The words came out so firm, and almost as harsh as my presence in that room. 

Until

Spirit said: adjust your practice. This is YOUR practice.
I had permission to do what the mat called me to do.
And the hour became about balancing the weight of my outer world with the light of my soul's longing. 

My body and mind are always running a race – under nourished, pressed for time, tired.

But life does not work for me in stillness. Like riding a bike, I would fall down if I stopped pedaling.  

What I learned today was that if I cannot be still, I have to find my balance and my flow.

At my pace, strong steady, a reaction-less pace.

I am stronger in my own breath. Where it takes me in the flow of the pose. Into my own stance.

Today, I learned that I have to take better care and control and honor my practice.

Learning also, to trust my heart to yield, allow the body to teach and know the bones and muscles are strong enough to hold me in the very place where the breath takes me.

I don’t always have to react to the Yogi, or the external demands of life.

I can honor my body & mind. I will move in my own time and space and still share the practice.

I will go back to class. 

Casting your line

 

Content...even in the in the maelstrom of a busy life. 
It's an alien sentiment really.  I am aware because Time has permitted me to have some silence and observation.  Reclining on ancient stone at a sunset point on Georgian Bay, i am rooted on a rock, kissed by the breeze off the water.
 

Silent, grounded on these Precambrian boulders; I watch my lovely man fish . It's as though he has walked right out of an Ernest Hemingway novel. His handsome silhouette, complete with the gentlemanly outline of a collared shirt and flat cap casts a line on the water.  Strong and stoic one moment, then limber and playful the next. I am loving him lunge from boulder to boulder and chuckle at his not so graceful attempts to find the perfect spot for a perfect catch.

Time is still. Even the last light of the sun lazily extends its warmth over the water.

It's a beautiful feat, really. Being content to simply observe; to be the joyful watcher.

As an admittedly selfish, ambitious person, it's moments like this,  that remind me to breathe deeply, exhale gently and understand that there is so much more to the human experience. I wonder if in the hustle, we forget that we have incredible capacity and ability to create both peace and abundance. Presently, I am experiencing profound joy just by seeing it in another. I am reminded about the way of love and the fulfillment of life I often fail to practice.

Loving this man, loving being present and silent in his company. Sharing his excitement at his first catch; seeing him radiate with pride as he holds his line up for me to see. In the shadows of dusk, I am certain we bear the same ear to ear smiles. Fulfilled and yet driven by sheer joy, he releases and casts again.

I could sit here all my days. Learning to be. Giving myself permission to joyfully and humbly experience life. Learning to cast my cares on the water and cast my line, over and over if need be, with grace. I owe gratitude to this moment for being my teacher; to this lovely man for being my muse, and my catch ;)
 

TGIF

Dear paycheck;

Thank you for showing up in my bank account on a bi-weekly basis to financially, (almost) sustain me. 

I truly appreciate the gesture of compensation , as do my various creditors, merchants, my kids, and of course, the revenue agency. 
 
In We have had a decent relationship, you and I- me being ambitious and driven, and you being the double edged sword reward for all my toil and corporate compliance.

My entrepreneurial spirit has somehow succumbed to the fear that I would be reduced to desperation and loss with you... I  am , er, dependent.

This is how I feel about my paycheck. 
Or rather, what I am doing to earn it. 
My soul has shrunk. I have no passion.
I have no desire to be earning.  It's  eating me alive inside...some days it literally is. 

Tgif

Trying to tell you a love story

I can't describe in language this feeling, 

no, this sense of being. 

Humor me and forgive me for trying.
I'm going to make up words and write a picture that perhaps only I can see

There is this completedness
An understanding of myself when you look into me, when you see me

I conquer my fear and I see you right back.

You give me the courage to make the long journey into myself...and back again. No fear of losing you in the process. 

Moving into you and still within my own rhythm.When we dance time and energy expand

And as our universe is created and challenged
By the very nature of our life force...
There is still equilibrium.

And there is time...with equal desire and distance that draws us in and sets us free. I've never been so ready to jump. So on the edge for you and yet so at ease. Its been a year of learning to trust my wings. 

There is only this commonplace phrase:

I love you

Words ...just simple words
But inside, this heart of mine is as torrential as a meteor show in August. 

No, it's like a volcano erupting
when I feel those words

...I guess I'm just hot for you ;)

Wisdom and her cousins.

I asked for wisdom, and She made me wait. 

So I called upon Patience and she told me to be quiet.

And my noisy mind kept talking me out of a silent resolve...

So Spirit stepped in and said be still.

But my heart races too fast and I am always forging ahead...

So Wisdom, Patience and Spirit observed my hasty rebellion and offered nothing but Burnout as advice. 

And in the end...when strength fails, i cried out to God and Soul comes to minister to my weary heart. This is where I meet Spirit and practice stillness. 

In my stillness, I am finding the courage to wait..to trust.  And it's peaceful.

And in the peace of patience, my heart communes with God, and I am looking back at Wisdom's imprint on my Spirit.

The Fatigue of the Adventurer...or Lost and found

I'm so lost I didn't realize I was where I can't see God

I'm getting so tired of operating on blind faith, but keep putting one foot in front of the other; walking boldly forward.

My heart is getting tired and I'm starting to fumble and grope for the wall.

Maybe I'm just looking to be fenced in a little bit or at least feel more than a vision of hope guiding me.

I think it's that time again on my spiritual journey where I need God to hit me with a 2 by 4...just to make a few things clear.

I just a need map...I'm tired of just using my compass. 

Some days being lost is really hard after  trailblazing so long.

I've been called.

But I think i just want to be found. 

Your heart is a muscle

Breaking
Beating
Hoping

Healing
Feeling
Racing

Yearning
Loving
Expanding

Your heart is a muscle, my Love
I can only promise to make it stronger ;)