Confession of an angry tired Yogi.

I went to hot yoga today after a hiatus of practice.

Running out of the office to barely reached the studio door in time; 
pushing my way in like a bull in a china store.

My restless and fearful energy revved up in a low rage.

I fought my way through the beginning of an intense practice and pushed my body. 

My body fought back. And then I began to judge the class.

My mind was so busy racing it wasn’t listening.
I could swear it wasn't even breathing.

Then the yogi stopped and said:

‘YOU are responsible for what happens on your mat today- no one else”

This hit a chord deep - I had a hard time with that suggestion.
The words came out so firm, and almost as harsh as my presence in that room. 

Until

Spirit said: adjust your practice. This is YOUR practice.
I had permission to do what the mat called me to do.
And the hour became about balancing the weight of my outer world with the light of my soul's longing. 

My body and mind are always running a race – under nourished, pressed for time, tired.

But life does not work for me in stillness. Like riding a bike, I would fall down if I stopped pedaling.  

What I learned today was that if I cannot be still, I have to find my balance and my flow.

At my pace, strong steady, a reaction-less pace.

I am stronger in my own breath. Where it takes me in the flow of the pose. Into my own stance.

Today, I learned that I have to take better care and control and honor my practice.

Learning also, to trust my heart to yield, allow the body to teach and know the bones and muscles are strong enough to hold me in the very place where the breath takes me.

I don’t always have to react to the Yogi, or the external demands of life.

I can honor my body & mind. I will move in my own time and space and still share the practice.

I will go back to class. 

Casting your line

 

Content...even in the in the maelstrom of a busy life. 
It's an alien sentiment really.  I am aware because Time has permitted me to have some silence and observation.  Reclining on ancient stone at a sunset point on Georgian Bay, i am rooted on a rock, kissed by the breeze off the water.
 

Silent, grounded on these Precambrian boulders; I watch my lovely man fish . It's as though he has walked right out of an Ernest Hemingway novel. His handsome silhouette, complete with the gentlemanly outline of a collared shirt and flat cap casts a line on the water.  Strong and stoic one moment, then limber and playful the next. I am loving him lunge from boulder to boulder and chuckle at his not so graceful attempts to find the perfect spot for a perfect catch.

Time is still. Even the last light of the sun lazily extends its warmth over the water.

It's a beautiful feat, really. Being content to simply observe; to be the joyful watcher.

As an admittedly selfish, ambitious person, it's moments like this,  that remind me to breathe deeply, exhale gently and understand that there is so much more to the human experience. I wonder if in the hustle, we forget that we have incredible capacity and ability to create both peace and abundance. Presently, I am experiencing profound joy just by seeing it in another. I am reminded about the way of love and the fulfillment of life I often fail to practice.

Loving this man, loving being present and silent in his company. Sharing his excitement at his first catch; seeing him radiate with pride as he holds his line up for me to see. In the shadows of dusk, I am certain we bear the same ear to ear smiles. Fulfilled and yet driven by sheer joy, he releases and casts again.

I could sit here all my days. Learning to be. Giving myself permission to joyfully and humbly experience life. Learning to cast my cares on the water and cast my line, over and over if need be, with grace. I owe gratitude to this moment for being my teacher; to this lovely man for being my muse, and my catch ;)
 

TGIF

Dear paycheck;

Thank you for showing up in my bank account on a bi-weekly basis to financially, (almost) sustain me. 

I truly appreciate the gesture of compensation , as do my various creditors, merchants, my kids, and of course, the revenue agency. 
 
In We have had a decent relationship, you and I- me being ambitious and driven, and you being the double edged sword reward for all my toil and corporate compliance.

My entrepreneurial spirit has somehow succumbed to the fear that I would be reduced to desperation and loss with you... I  am , er, dependent.

This is how I feel about my paycheck. 
Or rather, what I am doing to earn it. 
My soul has shrunk. I have no passion.
I have no desire to be earning.  It's  eating me alive inside...some days it literally is. 

Tgif

Trying to tell you a love story

I can't describe in language this feeling, 

no, this sense of being. 

Humor me and forgive me for trying.
I'm going to make up words and write a picture that perhaps only I can see

There is this completedness
An understanding of myself when you look into me, when you see me

I conquer my fear and I see you right back.

You give me the courage to make the long journey into myself...and back again. No fear of losing you in the process. 

Moving into you and still within my own rhythm.When we dance time and energy expand

And as our universe is created and challenged
By the very nature of our life force...
There is still equilibrium.

And there is time...with equal desire and distance that draws us in and sets us free. I've never been so ready to jump. So on the edge for you and yet so at ease. Its been a year of learning to trust my wings. 

There is only this commonplace phrase:

I love you

Words ...just simple words
But inside, this heart of mine is as torrential as a meteor show in August. 

No, it's like a volcano erupting
when I feel those words

...I guess I'm just hot for you ;)

Wisdom and her cousins.

I asked for wisdom, and She made me wait. 

So I called upon Patience and she told me to be quiet.

And my noisy mind kept talking me out of a silent resolve...

So Spirit stepped in and said be still.

But my heart races too fast and I am always forging ahead...

So Wisdom, Patience and Spirit observed my hasty rebellion and offered nothing but Burnout as advice. 

And in the end...when strength fails, i cried out to God and Soul comes to minister to my weary heart. This is where I meet Spirit and practice stillness. 

In my stillness, I am finding the courage to wait..to trust.  And it's peaceful.

And in the peace of patience, my heart communes with God, and I am looking back at Wisdom's imprint on my Spirit.

The Fatigue of the Adventurer...or Lost and found

I'm so lost I didn't realize I was where I can't see God

I'm getting so tired of operating on blind faith, but keep putting one foot in front of the other; walking boldly forward.

My heart is getting tired and I'm starting to fumble and grope for the wall.

Maybe I'm just looking to be fenced in a little bit or at least feel more than a vision of hope guiding me.

I think it's that time again on my spiritual journey where I need God to hit me with a 2 by 4...just to make a few things clear.

I just a need map...I'm tired of just using my compass. 

Some days being lost is really hard after  trailblazing so long.

I've been called.

But I think i just want to be found. 

Your heart is a muscle

Breaking
Beating
Hoping

Healing
Feeling
Racing

Yearning
Loving
Expanding

Your heart is a muscle, my Love
I can only promise to make it stronger ;)

Lazarus

When something tangible and true dies...when the ship that you thought was coming in,  crashes and sinks in the port...

...when something so concrete, so vested, so vital dies, can you trust that there truly is such a thing as resurrection ?

Nature shows me life is truly undefeatable.
Fire makes forests.  Roots cut through rock.  Water will make its way through stone. And earth will cover stone with lichen and so on...

Life dies not die. Things are transformed.  Resurected renewed. 

In my faith, there are teachings and wisdom written on my heart.

I think about things like wineskins.

You can't pour new wine into old wineskins.
Can you pour out your soul only to be embodied by something that cannot contain you?

How do we create the new wineskin?
I want to know, for i am certain when we recreate our new vessel,  in fills new wine. 

Can I hold the notion that  the end of something only reconstitutes and transforms. Given the will.

I would love to walk with Lazarus. Yes, the man Jesus wept over, and resurrected after 4 days in a tomb. New wineskin? New wine?

No doubt he was a changed man. A new vessel.  The truly vital things do not die.  Nothing is impossible. 

I'm looking forward to the Lazarus effect.

Love after casualty

I won't tell you I love you so many times that the words end up dying in my mouth.

I won't allow repetition to become irrelevant.

This is an adventure without mishap. A hunger without obsession. A raison d'etre without need.  A desire without want.

It Is.  I Am. You Are. We Be.

I promise you certainty.
The way the night is always roused by the morning sun.  You found my heart in this time between magic and manifestation.

I found you in the dance of the divine.
Like the Dervish whirling his way to Love. Like the earth spinning in the dance of life. When we sit on the earth and watch the stars we  are called to the same constellation.

I promise to see you the way the world will not.  I promise you will never be a casualty of my expectations. I promised this, only after i learned from the war before...

In the peace of the morning, I will always want your Sunday kind of love.  You give me this and all of the above.

Creating the Wormhole

I often  find myself reaching out across the universe searching for none other than... myself.

It's like looking in a mirror to study my reflection. Instead I think I am trying to see the expansive and whole... Higher self

The one who is existing in the infinite.  The person on the other side of my current realty.  Perhaps the one who is the universal extension of ... earthbound me. 

So I stand in the void of my creative mind and stare inward, moving into the depths to find myself. 

Creating the wormhole is a necessary course of finding wisdom and solace. Because I know this part of me is the closest to ...God. 

Just a little faith goes along way

Fear doesn't move God...Faith does

Artemis needs her hound

Oh how I miss hikes in the woods...you,  making all the other beasts fall silent.  Will any four legged ever compare to your stature ? Will I find loyal love again?

I am searching for a new familiar...
Artemis needs her hound.

the story part 5 of ?

...if your are new to the story dear reader, please go back and read the story...

part 5 :

...yes life has loosened the Goddess

broken pieces that lined the beach
become treasures in sand castles

she stopped waiting for the Captain
and was awarded her companion  

dawn breaks, the sky - blue bird
time has opened a wormhole

from dark and stormy memories
to a modern joie de vivre

the light house; towering above
is a new nest - a beacon to paradise reclaimed

sun filters through polarized lenses
and joy is evident on sun kissed faces

the surf rouses a playful spirit
the waves brough them togeher

and in the ebb and flow 
is found a new rythmn

betrayal becomes an ancient story
and hurt becomes a myth

in a dusty novel not fit for a bookcase
but bound for a starry night fire...

love was found in letting go
healing came from the inside out

It was when the Goddess learned to ride the waves
that Love surfed in on a board through the wake 

...and the story is still being written...

I'm somewhere floating in the maelstrom waiting for the storm to cease...ebbing in and out of the elements...and when my energy surges,
 I surf between the waves of Destiny and the wake of reality...

smiling on asunday afternoon

sunday at the pier
we're watching the ships come in
soaking sun witchu

anticipation

it's where the smile begins
on the inside of an unreachable place

when the engery surges
from a deep unfathomable space

it's then my fire ignites
on the fuel of anticipatory joy
-
so happy to see you
that i feel you already ...

Nathan & Gracie are Lovers

Nathan & Gracie are Lovers

...there isn't much more to say 

but, 
if poetry & motion
were to arrive hand in hand 
at the door 

guests,
would make way 
for an eruption of fireworks
on the dance floor 

and,
if evidence & energy
were to show no shame
the guy with his girl, settle their score 

so, 
for Nathan & Gracie 
as Frank sings the best is yet to come 
they make their evening getaway 

and...there isn't much more to say

Nathan & Gracie are Lovers 

Thank you Mr #Disney....

....when your heart is in you dreams,
no request is too extreme...

...when you wish upon a star ,
as dreamers do....

Thank you Mr Disney , you made this pixie heart sing

the story part 4 of?

dawn breaks, night falls
hope is a beacon, no longer a floodlight

it cannot illuminate the sea
it's only a summons to the sailor

it does not set the course
it only holds the compass

dawn breaks, night falls
candles burn, books wax poetic

hurt hungers, love remains
faith feeds, and hurt subsides

So................................

heart divided she runs on the beach
ebbing and flowing with the tides of change

she builds castles in the sand, and dances with dolphins
she wave rides and summons the surf

she entertains Posiedon after a long courtship
her captain is gone, but the deity remains

life has loosened the Goddess
and she claims her true form


the sky, cerulean; the earth: underneath
night falls, dawn breaks



 

Redemption for Little Bear

when did the grown up man 
find his childhood scar and rip it open

so afraid to confront but to reveal the truth 
that hurt people hurt people

and instead of healing 
the sins of his father become his Alma matter 

and adult pride shadows humility 
and selfish desire is fuelled by anger and blame 

he drives away what is sacred 
and Love loses its hold amidst the rush of chaos 

when the grown up man 
forgets his inner child, his Little bear

he cant stand to face him
and reveal the truth of his own folly 

and his son, holds up the mirror 
begging for understanding and a rite of passage 

only to become the grown up man
initiated by his childhood scars

There is redemption for Little Bear